ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Aries, if you feel like everyone’s giving you the cold shoulder, stop thinking so darn metaphorically! Everybody loves you! Just put on a sweater. You’ll see your shoulders, and your self-confidence, are fine.
TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)
Deciduo-ns, Deciduo-ns Taurus. Over the long summer, you might have stepped on a few toes. And now you’re deciding how to deal with the Fall-out. Whether or not it’s your Fallt, treet others with respect.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Summer-izing things is ok in July and August Gemini, but come the end of September, it’s time to be factual. If you don’t start telling people the whole story, they’ll just start thinking you’re fall of it.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Summer’s over but don’t fear. Now there’s less guilt about staying inside and watching TV. We recommend: Leaf it to Beaver reruns, A Short History of the Autumnman Empire, and Leafal Weapon III.
LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Feeling cash-strapped Leo? Use this two-step fall-inspired plan. It’s called “Rake and Bake.” Rake in the leaves as free exercise. Jump in them for entertainment. Then, as a reward, bake your own cookies. Go.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
Let fall motivate you to be fit, competitive and confident, Virgo! Pumpk up some iron and squash your fears. And if you’re still feeling like mush … then make some! Soup, that is! Pumpkin soup!
LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
If you think you’re the ex-sept-ion to the rule Libra, think again. No one will fallgive you for butting in front of the pack. Wait patiently, take turns and you’ll see: your effallts will eventually pay off.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Friends you made these past few months may last, but un-fall-tunately you’ll only know who’ll stick with you as time passes. Remember, as friends go, summer good, summer better, summer best. Keep the latter.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
You’re like a B-autumn-less pit, Libra! Which makes you the perfect, appreciative, dinner guest. Try to get as many dinner invites as you can. In return for your appreciation of their food, your hosts autu’ love ya!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
Sesame Street talks about sunny days, but we know you know fall is here because you’ve been listening to Snuf-fall-ufugus. Don’t be a grouchy, fall is lovely! Count the leaves as if they’re your lucky stars.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
This is your week to be inspired by words that rhyme with ‘fall’. You’ll meet someone tall. Maybe at the mall. But then they won’t call. You’ll feel you’ve hit a wall. But then you’ll get ice cream.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)
Pisces, Pisces, up your spices, spices! Life adjusts the seasons so adjust the way YOU season. It’s getting colder so make your chili intake bolder. Double the pepper, if you “cayenne.” Arrrrrrriba!