Photography by Kirk Gabrillo
Dear Hatter,
You’re probably wondering why I am writing to you after all this time. Why have I decided to journey through the looking glass of our past?
I can share exactly why I am writing you this letter… which I hope you will receive since I know how backward life may sometimes be. To quote our good friend, Cheshire, “Sometimes, things go one way, and others go that way.” For me, myself, personally… I just hope you receive my writing harmlessly.
It has taken great willpower to beat the odds of my anxieties and finally open up that line between us after all these years.
I want to start this by telling you I don’t hate you. I may have said it, screamed it into my pillow, and wished every trip down memory lane would disappear.
But, in all reality, it was quite the opposite.
I did love you, and because I did, I was blinded to how bad we were for one another. How lost and immature the both of us acted. There are no better words to explain us other than a little mad.
We were like a drug to one another. We claimed those needy and possessive feelings as being protective and wanting to spend time together because we were best friends. We let ourselves believe that this was all normal and that it was what two people who loved one another did. But, Hatter, it wasn’t.
I loved you, which made it hard to hate you. It made it easy to ignore the bright flashing lights telling me to stop. Go no further because I can only fall for so long until I hit the ground. And man, did I ever hit that ground.
Falling
down
the rabbit hole
left us covered
in bruises and scars.
No one ever tells you how dark and lonely it is at the bottom with just your thoughts. Lifting the veil and seeing the truth was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
I blamed myself first. I tried to find out why it ended the way it did and searched for what I could have done to change the outcome. I even looked for ways to fix it. When I couldn’t find the logical answer, it made sense to blame you.

And I did blame you for a long time, too long. Because I can fully admit right here and now that it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t mine either. We were two puzzle pieces from different puzzles that seemed to fit perfectly together. I do not hate you, and I am realizing I never did. I was just a kid trying to understand life. I’m a bit older now and still trying to do the same thing.
Time has moved on, and we have moved along with it, just no longer on that same side-by-side path. No longer mindlessly walking down the path, being guided by the smiles of our feline friend.
With all this being said, I wish to tell you I don’t regret what transpired. As twisted as that may sound, it needed to happen. Because if it hadn’t, I know I wouldn’t be writing you this letter today. I would never have become the person I am without what happened to us. It was a terrible, heart-wrenching, mind-shattering, and body-crumbling moment in my life with an important lesson tied deep within it all.
This letter was never just meant to spill tea. I wanted to thank you.
Thank you for helping make me the person I am today – the girl I love and life I cherish every single moment. You have taught me valuable lessons and showed me that I need to stop running from the noise in my mind telling me to yell, “Off with their head.”
I have learned to trust in myself, which makes it easier for people to trust in me. I might be a bit cliché, but everything happens for a reason. This situation was meant to happen. It’s how I got here. And I’m okay with this outcome.
So, Hatter, I guess the final thing I can say is thank you.
Oh, and happy unbirthday to you.