Fauxroscopes by the Mystical Mama Angie

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This week, Mama Angie brings you mystical martians. Photo from Stock Xchng.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

It’s a money month Aries. We know this because your stars are aligning… A-lining your pockets with cash that is! Drinks on you!

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

Taurus, let the moon be your celestial guide this month. So rather than taking on too much then comp-waning, try re-waxing for once. (And no, we’re not full of it.)

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

Mars and Venus collide giving you a situation the size of Jupiter.  Planet right and things’ll Saturn to normal, planet wrong and you’ll see the gravity grow.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

The recent eclipse of the sun shouldn’t eclipse your need for fun. Play celestial games like moonopoly, or put on your moon shoes and go for an aftermoon walk.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23)

If you’re feeling clumsy, fear not. The current angle of the Milky Way is having an anti-gravitational effect on you life. Rest Galaxysy. You will achieve … balance again soon.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Look out for jokestars this week. Through their daily comet-y act, they are trying to make you laugh. Make an effort to smile even if the jokes are meteor-cre.

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Will the Earth orbit your way? Our semi-certified astrologist has the answer. Photo from Stock Xchng.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Pegasus and Orion have agreed to grant you the best of weeks. That said, next week is terrible. The week after is out of this world, though, if it’s any constellation.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Cassiopeia says this is your week for W-trouble. Because two ‘U’s are better than one. That’s right be sure to be everywhere at once as it will ‘W’r chances at winning.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Pluto may be far from Earth, but orbit by bit it has inched into your star chart. Inspired by Pluto know that small things can close large gaps, especially in friendships.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Do you find yourself looking to the 80’s? It is because Mercury is in retro-grade. Questioning the past under such a planetary influence is good. It’s called mercuriosity.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Fire, earth and water will all shape your week Aquarius. Get matches, sand, and a BPA free water bottle. And some things we can’t tell you. That’s for the element of surprise.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

Only the brightest stars are in your star chart this week. So bright we can see your good fortune on a cloudy night. So capitalize on this, we are twinkling.

IF THIS WEEK IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Mars is on horizon star-planet this year. Become well red. Be reddy for anything, especially red-iculousnous. If you falter, seek red-emption to keep things martian along.
IF THIS WEEK IS YOUR BIRTHDAY:
Mars is on horizon star-planet this year. Become well red. Be reddy for anything, especially red-iculousnous. If you falter, seek red-emption to keep things martian along.