X-rated versions of popular movies too funny to be a turn-on
A Clockwork Orgy
There were times I forgot this was a porno, since the main characters wear the signature white outfits with black bowler hats and speak Nadsat, the Russian slang dialect…
Instead of coming up with an original plot, A Clockwork Orgy simply substitutes “ultra-violence” with “ultra-sex”. I guess there is a difference between a gang of rebellious youths killing an old woman with a giant ceramic penis, and a group of four hot chicks sneaking into your house for a surprise motorboating.
A new spin on the famous aversion therapy scene forces Alex to watch hours and hours of porn, resulting in her feeling “rather dry in me gashywashy, almost sick.”
Hmm … sounds about right.
Funniest line:
“Viddy well: breastways is rightways.”
Sexiness:
7/10 (-3 for the cheesy nineties synths that accompanied every sex scene)
Quality of acting:
5/10, for the effort to use Nadsat[hr]
Pulp Friction
I had such high hopes for this! I was anticipating all kinds of freaky sex spawning from the foot massage conversation, maybe an orgy on Zed’s chopper or in the diner, and Honey Bunny’s character was just waiting to be sexually spoofed!
But no: all there is to Pulp Friction is a sad ransom plot with dream-sequence sex scenes, terrible plastic surgery, and awful nineties music. There are at least two other parodies made from Tarantino’s classic, called Pump Friction and Pulp Dicktion that might give you more bang for your buck.
Funniest line:
None
Sexiness:
3/10
Quality of acting:
1/10… for memorizing lines[hr]
Night of the Giving Head
In this spoof of Romero’s classic horror movie, a problem with the ozone layer leads to infected sperm, which turns everyone into scantily clad zombies who run around screaming, “More cum! More cock!”
Doesn’t scare me — I’ve been to Granville street on a Friday night.
Besides, it seemed like the group of friends in the movie didn’t have much of a problem with promiscuity, as their version of quality girl time is a semen-chugging contest.
Also, the standard “sperm-zombie” outfit is a plaid microskirt and knee-high stockings. Guess what my new favorite Halloween costume is?
Funniest line:
“Let’s grab some whipped cream, and squirt those sperm-zombies down!”
Sexiness:
5/10
Quality of acting:
2/10[hr]
Pirates & Pirates II
Pirates will go down in history as the gem of the adult feature film. Its million-dollar budget makes Pirates the most expensive porno ever made, but really doesn’t explain the horrible, eye-gouging CGI in both movies.
Why not spend some extra money on graphics instead of clothes, since the moneymaking scenes are shot in the nude anyway? This film is the contradiction to every porn actor or actress who has gone into the industry “for the acting”: delivery is so forced that you wish they’d just get to screwing already.
Despite its name, Pirates is a very loose reference to Pirates of the Caribbean, with horny seamen and a very different kind of plundering.
Funniest line:
Too many to choose from
Sexiness:
5/10, +1 for the natural breasts all the reviewers rave about
Quality of acting:
5/10… for memorizing longer scripts
