South Korea decimated by invading Northern forces, imagines Kim Jong-un

Kim stands tall on crumpled enemy forces; actually a pile of Legos

BURNABY — Several waves of Taepodong-3 missiles launched from silos at the Tonghae satellite launching site annihilated major South Korean military and civilian targets late last Sunday, as imagined by North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Gripping a cardboard tube with the words Tapodog[sic]-3 scrawled along the side in blue ballpoint pen, the supreme leader repeatedly blew up the cities of Sejong and Munsan, utterly devastating the enormous metropolises as indicated by Kim’s cries of “Kapow!” and “Kabloosh!”

"Hey, mom? We did it!" — Courtesy of the Workers' Party of Korea

“Hey, mom? We did it!” — Courtesy of the Workers’ Party of Korea

The missile’s payloads of chemical and bio-warfare agents, indicated in lime-green marker, proved effective in limiting the southern nation’s response capability. In the meantime, North Korean forces rallied at the border ready for full-blown invasion, as Kim emptied out a plastic Ziploc baggie filled with toy soldiers onto his desk.

The two-and-a-half inch tall battalion of over four dozen of the same injection-molded plastic army men quickly overtook the entire nation, seizing key strategic points of the desk lamp, stapler and pencil sharpener.

The unrelenting march of North Korean forces only paused momentarily when, after running around the room three times, the out-of-breath supreme leader of North Korea paused to eat the peanut butter and jelly sandwich left out for him by minister of the People’s Armed Forces, Kim Kyok Sik.

The South Korean army appeared to be turning the tide, recapturing the capital city of Seoul and erecting blockades made from Lego blocks and Popsicle sticks, hoping to delay their defeat.

That hope was dashed when Kim himself made an impressive appearance on the battlefield, represented by an action figure of Optimus Prime from popular children’s television franchise Transformers. Kim heroically destroyed the barricades by firing his arm-mounted laser blaster and flying into the fortress head first several times.

Victory for the forces of the supreme leader were nearly assured when stealth jets of the treacherous West, which Kim had carefully folded out of heavy paper stock, appeared off the horizon, hoping to catch the courageous North Korean forces off-guard.

But it was the Americans who were caught unaware, neglecting to take into account Kim’s invisible force field that stops all guns. Their underhanded sneak attack resulting in the crumpling of the entire fleet into a large ball.

In retribution for the attack, the 700-foot-tall robotic Kim Jong-Un took hold of both American and South Korean Presidents Barack Obama and Park Geun-hye, who were suddenly on the battlefield. Both were made to swear fealty to North Korea, which they hastily agreed to.

The war was over, the mantle of victory squarely on the shoulders of Kim, when all of a sudden aliens appeared, intent on stealing North Korea’s bountiful resources. But the intense scene came to an end when a knocking and voice from other side of his bedroom door informed him of his daily military strategy meeting.

A visibly annoyed Kim hastily brushed the action figures into a grocery bag and stuffed them under his bed. He then left to meet with top generals and discuss the logistics of the latest long-range missile tests.

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