Fauxroscopes: March 27 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

March is here to put spring back into your life and into your step. Practice getting springy by finding a trampoline. Reach for the sunshine!

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TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

Sure, the Rolling Stones sing a song about sending “dead flowers” every morning, but it wasn’t springtime when they wrote it. Look around! Daffodils are everywhere! Don’t paint it black. Plant it green.

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GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

Baby duck says reed more to make the springtime literally AND literarily squacktacular. If you feel like an ugly duckling, don’t be silly! Exam time is almost done!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

St. Paddy’s Day is over but green isn’t! Envious, nauseous, and inexperienced are not what your green stars are shining. Think four-leaf clover, sprouts, and green beans. Time to get fresh!

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LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Sure, the sun sets later now, but now’s the time to accomplish your goals sooner! Make a list. Be like Santa in springtime, and check it twice. Put new meaning into the daylight savings’ spring forward.

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VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Green is the intersection between blue and yellow. Follow those green signs to that vibrant place. Whether that place is between a beach and turquoise water, or amidst a banana and a blues band, the choice is yours.

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LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Frogs are the colour of your horoscope, Libra, not the hue of your hangover. Start thinking about eating your greens. It’s time to stop drinking away the winter blues. Lose the booze in favour of wide-open, grassy fields.

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SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Giant maples will start budding into green canopies around the city. Get two leaves in each hand and wave them gently in the breeze. This is how it feels to be a maple. Be sweet, but remember you’ve got bark.

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Opossum rhymes with blossom, which means this marsupial is your spring mascot. Don’t leave everyone hangin’ in a winter funk. Remind them to be like opossums and always look on the upside of down.

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CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Spring frolicking will soon be the norm, Capricorn, but Vancouver may still rain on your springtime game of charades. So keep your umbrella handy or like the Stones’ in an April downpour, you’ll be running for cover singing, “Gimme shelter”.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

A wise woman once said, “Let’s have a picnic.” Wait: everyone said that. Well, what are you waiting for? Get cheese (and wine if you’re in Montreal, because it’s legal there) and go watch the birds chirp. Hooray!

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PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

Pisces, it’s your job to give winter a send-off. Go spring skiing. Save snowballs in your freezer. Wear scarves until you’re sweating. All done? Good job! Put on your shades and grab a mojito. It’s spring, baby!

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