As I cracked open a cold one with my best bruh Kyle, he and I began a deep discussion of an essential but disrespected subculture in modern society, bruh culture. At its core, bruh culture is the idea that there is nothing more important in life than cracking open a cold one with the boys. Our way of life is described by our founding tenets.
- Bud Light is better than water
- Fried foods are at the top of the pyramid of bruhtrition
- Never do the dishes, the laundry, make the bed or otherwise help with chores
- The Wolf of Wall Street is watched monthly
- Bros before Hoes
- Make fun of things you don’t understand
When one of those tenets is denied, there is nothing more painful, even giving birth. Speaking of which, that is a perfect example of the superiority of bruh culture. Wife’s in labour but the boys want to play COD*? Bring your Xbox to the hospital! There’s no reason you should both suffer. Your daughter’s birthday party is Saturday, but your neighbour Bobby is having a BBQ? Combine those suckers, ‘cause who doesn’t want beer and grilled meat as a core memory. These fundamental tenets of bruh culture are supported by other bonding activities like weekend visits to the airsoft range, ensuring that your kid is really into sports (remember, ESPN is a way of life), and buying weed and beer for your kids on their 18th birthday (19th if you’re a loser).
However, the PC** crowd wants to cancel our proud bruhs and we say no. They think we promote “toxic masculinity” and “degrade women,” ’cause we talk over them when we’re just right about something. Ronda Rousey is a bruh, Emma Stone is a bruh, Ruth Bader Ginsburgh was a bruh (we all saw how much she could bench). How can you deny our existence?
The greatest academic source ever created, Wikipedia, recognizes us as “young men who spend time partying with others like themselves. Although the original image of the bro lifestyle is associated with fraternities, it lacks a consistent definition.” This is truly the highest form of recognition. Fraternity literally means brotherhood, and we are the brotherhood culture, The bro culture, The Bruh Culture, bruh.
Think about the key parts of a culture, holidays. Frat parties are literally weekly holidays, filled with traditional meals of kegs and grilled meat. We have traditional clothing, too: Ray Bans, cargo shorts, polos, and sandals.
We deserve to be recognized so our powerful (not at all fragile or toxic) masculinity can be fully protect-ed by the government. Look at the political power we wield. Many political leaders are themselves closet bruhs, but refuse to come out into the open and truly support their fellow bruhs. Remember our bruhs down south got Trump elected, twice. WE got Trudeau elected, thrice. We put our bruhs in but if they aren’t gonna be bruhs to us and openly recognize their fellow bruhs then we need to un-bruh them and elect some true bruhs. America has been un-bruhed (except for Florida) by Joe Biden, so we can take this world in a – wait for it- bruh-tter direction.
Now, if you will excuse me, Kyle’s bruh came by and is struggling with cracking open his cold one and, as a bruh, I gotta help. Remember, always stand by your bruh.
As De Niro said, “You talkin to me?”
*Call of Duty