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Scarlet Letters: 11/15/2012

Scarlet LinkDear Scarlet,

My girlfriend is refusing to give me head because she says my sperm tastes gross — aside from getting a new girlfriend, is there anything I can do to change her mind?

— Funky Spunk

Dear Funky,

There’s not a lot you can do to actually change your girlfriend’s mind. However, you can try changing the taste of your cum instead. Almost everything we eat or drink can affect the smell and taste of our bodily fluids. Food items such as coffee, garlic, red meat and alcohol can negatively affect the way we taste, potentially causing a sour or bitter taste. Foods such as vanilla, or citrus fruits like pineapple, can have a positive effect, creating a sweeter, more pleasant taste.

All food digested by the body is carried through the bloodstream to various glands and tissues, including the seminal vesicle and vaginal wall. The smell and taste of food molecules we ingest can be released through the secretions produced by these glands and tissues, resulting in a noticeable difference in our body fragrance and flavour.

Modifications in diet may improve your chances, but in reality, you would have to give up many foods you love while consuming copious amounts of pineapple and vanilla. Have either of you considered using a condom during oral, or perhaps your girlfriend opts not to swallow next time?

— Scarlet

Dear Scarlet,

My boyfriend has given my hoo-ha a nickname that my ex-boyfriend used. How do I approach my current boyfriend to address this subject? Do I tell him?

— Hoo-Ha Dilemma

Dear Hoo-ha,

What are the odds? You have to ask yourself, does this nickname bother me? Are your ex-boyfriend and current flame best friends and, if so, do they spend a considerable amount of time in the locker room? Does your hoo-ha have a Facebook page?
The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance your boyfriend does not want to know that he is about as original at naming your vagina as your ex was, so telling him may unnecessarily hurt his feelings.

If you are fine with the name, then I say let it run its course. There are far greater evils in this world than a questionable vaginal namesake.

If you hate this nickname, tell him so. He doesn’t need to know why you hate it, just that you do.

Remember, Hoo-ha, originality in a world of seven billion is rare, and I think Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best when he quipped, “All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.”

— Scarlet[hr]

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