Fauxroscopes: November 2012

Semi certified astrologist, Angie T

Semi certified astrologist, Angie T

If today is your birthday

Count your lucky stars, birthday boy/girl — really, count them. On my birthday this year, I counted 8, 568 and then I had the best summer ever. Spot 8,569, and your whole year is guaranteed to be stellar.



ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Aries, it’s time to make friends. Get your neighbours’ attention by banging pots and pans. Then, surprise the crowd by speaking French and serving them crepes and maple syrup. Because vous-êtes le flippin’ best.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)
Taurus, put on a ‘50s record and shake your hips to get what we astrologists like to call “ships”. Then, use your ships to sail across the Pacific and visit a country you’ve never seen. Sounds crazy, but well worth it!

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Gemini, if you feel like it’s sink or swim, maybe it’s just because you need a new umbrella, brella brella. Still feel like you’re swimming upstream? We give you full permission to fish for a few compliments.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Your Monday grocery purchases will predict your future. Beets? You’re reddy for anything. Coffee? You are stronger than you think. Greek Cheese? You’re feta-up with your lifestyle … and quite possibly these puns.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Leo, my cosmic radar says a bright new star in the cellphone market has emerged and it’s called the Galaxy. Find someone who has one. They are your destiny. But be serious, or you’ll ome across as a phone-y.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
Pictures are worth a thousand words, Virgo, but books have more than a thousand words. So read one. Or five. Stapling web screen printouts doesn’t count. It just makes you spineless.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
Guitars are good for playing the blues, but bongo drums are good for beating them away. So go on Libra, test one out at your local music store. And if they tell you to literally beat it, tri, tribalgain.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Are you scared of the dark? The night skies illuminate futures, but they don’t lighten those dark fall nights. Our solution? Be your own shining star, with glow-in-the dark T-shirts. Hundreds of them.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Salt and pepper shakers seem like nothing special. But Saggitarius, the elements they contain in turn contain your life motto. Make every day delicious. Season the day. Carpe-pper So-dium.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
It’s cold out Capricorn, and time your teapot runneth over with mint tea, black tea, green tea and red tea. Be a team player and offer your friends a cuppa. But follow through, or people may think you’re just a tea-se.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
No matter your cultural background, you must perfect your Santa Claus impression before November ends. Your ability to impersonate this white-bearded man will be critical. At the Elventh hour, you’ll thank us.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)
Pisces, the mountains say, “Sharpen your skis AND your spy skills.” Go to the 007 pre-winter film fest. Watch Casi-snow Royale, Black diamonds are forever and Tobaggan never knows. Take snow-tes.[hr]

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