Fauxroscopes: 02/20/2013

In honour of the Academy Awards and the Year of the sss-nake, this week’s theme is famous snakes
and celebritie-sss!

IF THIS WEEK IS YOUR BIRTHDAY:

Somewhere near the intersection of Year of the Snake and Oscar hoo-ha is your special day. Prepare your
sss-peech accordingly, because it’s your year to glide from ssss-eat filler to lead snake.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20):

Unlike some films, Snakes on a Plane was never nominated for an Oscar. But those snakes were plain. So
be glam, fabulous and ssss-uave. Think “boa” constrictors or David Boa-ie.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):

If you’re feelin’ like a grass snake in an anaconda’s world, know this: Ain’t no mountain high enough.
Translation? No goal is in-serpent-mountable.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):

Don’t be an accessory to the next celebrity faux-pas. Literally—avoid being made into a snake-skin purse.
How? Put your human self out there and you’ll stop feeling used.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):

Be on your garder. Be cautiou-ssss. Hedge your bett-sss. Don’t make any sudden, darting moves. Because
the snakes are high, Cancer. The snakes are high.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):

Do too many games of snakes and ladders have you feeling like it’s two snakes forward and one snake
back? Well, forget games. Asp yourself: is there a better way of getting where you want to go?

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):

Arnold Schnakeszeneggar pumps iron. Other celebrities are obsessed with shedding pounds. For you Virgo,
it’s time to get pumped up about shedding some skin. Don’t think exfoliation, think self-transformation.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):

Remember Aladdin? We do. And WE know you’re a diamondback in the rough waiting to be noticed.
Polish those rough edges and in no time, you’ll ‘Shine bright like a diamondback’.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):

Ssss-eek inspiration in the celebrity snakes, rather than regular stars. For laughter? Monty Python. For
adventure? Felix Baum-gartersnake. For thoughts on tennis? Ana Condacova.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):

To be a real charmer, look to the past for inspiration. William Snakespeare-inspired movies are best. It’s
time that you starred in one too, Sagittarius. Our pick? Ten things I snake about you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):

Sea snake’s favourite movie is the Little Mermaid. So enjoy the sway of the ocean in the coming days filled
with luxury, relaxation and bli-ssssssssssss.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):

It’s time to make a move, Aquarius, a dance move! Desert serpent’s fave is ‘snake, rattle and roll’—what’s
yours? We recommend throwbacks like ‘Snake it like a polaroid picture’ or ‘The Maca-snaka’.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):

In Sheryl Crow’s words, ‘You’re my favourite mis-snake’. Snake Gylenhall says he only has snake-eyes for
you’. With the hypnotizing power you have this month, do something powerful.

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