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Fauxroscopes: 01/09/2013



Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh! Oh wait, that’s Christmas. I forgot we’re talking about your birthday. Well, hell cowpoke, it’s 2013 now, so make this year the sleigh ride of a lifetime. Giddy up!



ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Lynx is your winter animal, so use your giant snow paws to pad the year with good things. But like a lynx sighting, windows of snowpawtunity can be fleeting, so pounce on them. And of course, prey fair.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)
Snowy owl says this year will be a hoot, Taurus, but flyer beware: don’t just be a social butterfly. In the words of Muhammed OWLi, you must float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, and study like an owl.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Rabbit says here’s hoppin’ for long ‘ears of prosperity. Like following rabbit in the snow, track your spending. A savvy money bunny now means future happy hou-hares flowing with Jackrabbit Daniels.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Baby polar bears artickled to be your mascots this year. Get the 2013 ball (of fur) rolling by playing in the snow. With bearly any white stuff on the west coast, when it does snow, jump on AND in the occasion!

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Seagulls don’t care about the season or the year. They care about scavenger hunts. Remember, it’s not feather or not you find everything you seek, it’s about how you handle the scraps.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
Narwhal is often called the unicorn of the sea, which is pretty wild. As this is your most mystical magical year ever, be that underwater Pegasus. Amaze everyone. Fly, surf, swim. Be a Gnar-whal.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
Squirrel says to avoid feeling like a nutcase, hide some nuts, just in case! That’s right! Next time you’re buried in studies, you can rely on strategically placed Reese’s products and chocolate almonds, too!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Winter fish says the scales are tipped in your favour. 2013 is your year to reach new depths. But don’t get caught up in trying to be the coolest catfish in your school or you’ll get trawl-tally splayed. Just be reel.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Eagle isn’t going to talon you if you get high. That is, if you get high hopes for 2013. And if pessimists make you feel bad for your optimism, ease your eag-uilty conscience. Egg-nore them. Do not say soar-y!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
Shrew says, “Holed on! When was the last time you rodent a postcard to someone! Or, did you return burrowed items from friends?” This year, be a good friend. Remember the ‘little’ things. It’s a moust.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
Snuffalufagus says although he’s not a real animal, you’re a real person with real skills. Tonnes of them.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)
Google chickadee’s bird-call, if you haven’t heard it, Pisces. It’s your year to tweet, branch out and get the world’s attention![hr]

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