Be Still My Tinder Heart

tinderphoneValentine’s Day can be a stressful time for all of us. No one escapes unscathed. If you’re in a relationship, depending how long you’ve been together, you have to gauge your partner’s interest in the ‘holiday’ and if they’re ‘one of those’ then you have to think of something romantic to do. Fair warning: the success of your romantic venture will determine the amount of physical interaction you’ll have for the foreseeable future. If you’re not in a relationship, the loneliness can kick in early to mid-February and lead you to make some very questionable decisions. Lo, help is nigh for navigating the tumultuous seas of V Day.

For you single and ready to mingle types who don’t want to hatefully stare at all the couples pretending they are having the most romantic and meaningful night of their lives, Tinder might just be your best bet.

Tinder, for those of you who have been living under a rock or travelling in Uzbekistan for the past three years, is a dating service wherein prospective mates judge compatibility based solely on looks. This is not a new concept, as any bar-goer will know, but it cuts out the pain of having to reject some poor soul to their face. Tinder is a bit of a gamble any time you use it… but on Valentines day, it’s double or nothing- you’ll either get a pathetic, desperate, lonely loser trying to hide from their empty life – or you’re guaranteed to get laid. Maybe both.

When using Tinder there are some rules one must abide by in order to avoid the scaries (ie. Those people who spend the night playing with their ‘toy’ switchblade. Eek.) First of all, if they open with a one liner and your skin shrinks about two sizes or just crawls right off to find another, less cringy home, they’re probably a no go.

Once they have passed the opener, ask them how they feel about holidays dedicated to the love of another. If they respond with a view that is in line with yours, you may have found a way to avoid the uncomfortable situation you’re in for next year. Or at the very least, the night. Most importantly, if they have an obvious significant other in their profile pic, like it’s their wedding picture; just swipe them away into the shitty ether from whence they came.

As for those of you in a relationship, buy some flowers, chocolates etc, have some dinner, “cuddle” and if you can’t get that right then refer above.

Happy Valentine’s Day, or – whatever.